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12 May 2013 @ 07:10 pm
Why can't I have them? Why don't I have them? Why am I so lonely? Is it even worth it?
03 March 2012 @ 11:13 pm
I do not drink, so they left me alone
I do not do drugs ,so they left me alone
I do not go out to events ,so they left me alone
I say "Hi', one look and they left me alone
I do not wear clothes other peers liked ,so they left me alone
I do not watch sports ,so they left me alone
I am not rich, so they left me alone
I try ,I try to have friends but they left me, so I asked what is it I have to do to have friends in order not to be alone, so they tell me do all these things we do and we will not leave you.
So I wait for death thus so no one will miss me
In death I will not feel alone.
Current Mood: depressed depressed
Today when I got home I had an email from someone who has taken me being nice and threw it right in my face. They said some hurtful things, and it is not the firs time that's happened. I've had the same thing happen with multiple people. Being the nice guy and letting all the crap people have done to me pass me by has gotten me nowhere. All it has led to is be being a lonely 34 year old punching bag that people use and discard when they are done with me. That's over now. Being the nice guy sure as hell doesn't work. The only thing it causes is hurt piled upon more hurt that no one knows about because I have to keep a smile on my face and be the strong one. No more Mr. Nice Guy now. If someone does not treat me with respect they can go to hell for all I care. I'm done with caring.

I was working on something nice for this person, but now they can screw themselves. I was also going to bring someone they deeply care about to an anime con for them. I was going to drive 160 miles out of my way to get someone from them, but they blew that one. If another friend of mine has not gotten their pass to this certain convention then I will cancel my room there and not show up at a small con where there will be a hostile environment for me due to this person being there. I've helped people out too many times financially, with a place to stay (sometimes long term), by going way out of my way to make sure they get somewhere thy need to be, or even with things like fixing things for them for free, whether it be computers or cars, and I've rescued people from abusive situations. No more. I'm going to have to look out for me from now on. No one likes a nice guy, but everyone is fine with a jerk. Fine, I can get rid of the nice guy. I'm not going to go around being a jerk, but I'll take care of myself and others can take care of themselves.
Current Mood: pissed offpissed off
12 December 2010 @ 02:55 pm
I tried OKcupid, fail, Yahoo personals, fail, EHarmony, fail, and in fact had my profile rejected based on my personality test, Craigslist, fail. Fail, fail, fail. Loads of failures. In fact, I have a streak of rejections over 50 long, quite possibly over 70 long. I dunno, I quit counting when I hit 50. In fact, I have never once had any success when asking a girl out. Rejection every time. I've gotten the "ohh, but you're too nice, let's just stay friends" with the friendship fading away shortly thereafter to the "What the hell makes you think I would date someone like you?!" deal in front of everyone. I've asked a couple girls out this year, and guess what, fail. After you've been rejected every single time over a period of 19 years (first time I asked a girl out I was 15) it gets old and you simply hit a point of wanting to give up.

I've been hanging on, hoping against hope and against the trend I've had going on that something will happen. The only girls I've dated I was fixed up with by someone else, but the longest relationship lasted a couple months. I've had a couple girls ask why I never asked them out before, after they were with someone else of course. Also of course they never said a thing or gave me any type of hint. So I had no idea until it was too late. I've came to the conclusion that there really is not someone for everyone. Whoever tells you that is either deluded or lying.

Girls don't like guys who are into the things I like. Sure, there are some between the ages of 16-22 that do, and maybe a couple years after that, but when you get into my datable age range they only want either guys with money and loads of out ward appearances of success, guys who will be a replacement daddy for their pile of kids without having a real relationship, or beer swilling sports fanatics, and all of them want guys who are into all the "manly things like beer, sports, nascar, etc. They don't want guys who like anime, science fiction, cos/crossplay, and who are not into sports and hanging at bars. Bars and such make me nervous, I can't stand the smell or taste of beer, and I really don't like sports or nascar. Yeah, I'm a nerd. Girls have an aversion to nerds. You don't have to keep saying "Ohh, you're going to find someone" because I have not after all these years, and I am not going to become someone who is not real so I can become what others like.

Seriously, I turn 35 next year. August 29th, 2011 I will be 35 years old. By that time EVERYONE, and I mean everyone has their families started, they are in the relationships, and all the rest. I guess that's the official give up because I am bitter date, the date I will never ask a girl out again. Of course with my string of failures I may not ask one out even before then, because it sure has never worked in the past. Don't they say that insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result? I may be a bit crazy, but I'm not insane.

Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
Current Music: Loser - 3 Doors Down
12 August 2010 @ 09:49 pm
I posted the following over a year ago, and yet things are still the same for me. IDK what is wrong with me, no, maybe I do, but I don't know how to fix it. Sucks that over a year later and it still holds true. I turn 34 in 17 short days. Just 17 days until another lonely birthday. How do these druggies, abusive people, the ones who go through life using and taking from others have someone else but I don't? I have no idea, but it's beginning to both piss me off and turn me bitter about things at the same time. What am I? Someone who is good enough to be a friend? The guy who makes people laugh? The one who knows all about computers, cars, etc, but is not good enough for the girl. Yeah, that seems to be me. Well, here's what I wrote over a year ago and things still have not changed:

Well, chalk one up to a clueless me. I was in Chicago this past weekend and while there I went to the Museum of Science and Industry. I wore one of my shirts with a witty saying on it, this time the one that says 'Genius by birth, slacker by choice." Well, this girl who was working one of the exhibits, a very pretty girl at that, came up and asked me about my shirt. We spoke for a minute and since the rest of the people I was with were moving on I did too. We were in the Harry Potter exhibit. Well, what I did NOT know, and no one told me this until I was already out of there and could not reenter was that she was hitting on me. Yep, that's what they all said, that she was giving me an opening there. I had no idea.

See, what the problem is is that I have no idea if a girl likes me or not. Not a clue. I had to quit school at 15 and get a job (lied about my age) full time to help my dad pay bills. Before that I moved alot, never staying in one place for more than 6 months to a year, so I was always the new guy, the outsider. It was like being the outcast as a child, then thrust into adulthood in some ways, and never learning the social ques and interactions all of you take for granted.

I have still not learned them really. All because of that I got stereotyped and then ignored. Look at the nerd. The guy with no clue. The one we want nothing to do a thing with. Later, as I got bigger it became look at the intimidating, scary, and overly serious guy. Then since I started losing hair at age 23 and now have some baldness to deal with (it's to the point where I'm about to keep my head shaved) I am the guy who looks older than he is, and since I have a sedentary job, and since I have put on some weight what kind of girl wants to date a guy who has lost quite a bit of hair and is kinda fat. The only reason I can think of that girl flirting with me is the light in there sucked. It was dark, and I was wearing a shirt that was loose and baggy on me.

Every time I looked in a mirror I saw myself growing older, falling apart a little more, losing my last chance at ever joining humanity. I was becoming, had become, not human at all, but a sort of friendly alien, a creature that was nonhuman in all respects and, like Marley's ghost, could only wander the world watching happiness it could not share, existing but somehow apart. I moved through crowds, the only one of my kind.

I wanted a wife, children, parties, dancing, mixing, socializing, feeling, love, tenderness, togetherness with another human being. And there I stood, looking at reality, standing looking at the mirror knowing it just wasn't going to happen. I didn't really want real life any more, not that kind, and lying in bed, in the stillness of the early morning, I wondered if I really wanted life at all.

But I realized, late that night, in the deepening gloom that I had lost hope. My scars were too deep, too painful, and would never heal, and they had me in agony. I was a human being! Why, then, did everyone around me insist on being treated as a human being but never even think to treat me like one? Hurry! Hurry! See the robotic man! He walks! He talks! He thinks! But he never feels…

But I felt, all right. Every single time was another scar on my soul—no, not a scar, a festering, rotting, infected wound that would never heal, never subside, could only be compounded more and more until the pain grew unbearable.

That is something that I read in a science fiction book. On that speaks to me, really hits close to home. It was told from the point of view of a 35 year old man, and while I am not that age I am only a few years off. Who knows? Maybe I am wrong about myself. Maybe that girl who was working the HP exhibit at the museum could see me clearly. Maybe since she was from somewhere else she did not have the same standard of looking at people that the places I've lived and been to have for looking at people. I'll never know.

I have people out in reality turn to me for advice, and I always tell them to never give up hope. I tell people not to dwell on things, and that it will always get better. I tell them that if you persevere the pain, the hurts, the situations in life where you are dealt a crappy hand will right itself, that things will balance out. I've not cried a tear since I was 8 years old, because I've seen the worst. I know nothing I will experience in this lifetime will be the equal to what I have seen. Sometimes I wish I could let go. Sometimes I wish I could take my own advice. Sometimes I wish I could know what it is to be a member of humanity, not an outsider looking in.

I guess IRL I am a great actor. No one who sees and knows me in reality will ever guess how I feel. I will never tell them either. Does that doom me to being single forever? Does the fact that I can not read others and how they feel towards me too well keep a barrier between me and others? Am I magnifying every defect and fault in myself to a point that is is out of proportion with reality? Did I blow the one chance, the one clear chance with a nice looking girl who is within a reasonable distance of my age because I lack the social skills to know what is going on? Am I my own worst critic? I don't know. Maybe I am too messed up in my view of me, but I don't really know. Well, here's to the end of the rant and the end of my griping about a situation that was nothing more than my own fault. Maybe me being clueless saved me from a harsher blow in the end.
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Well, at least one thing went right this week. I remembered my login here. Other than that it's... sucked hardcore.

After having the engine blow in my car, and all the associated expense that went along with it I am broke. I mean ramen noodles 2 times a day for meals broke. I needed to lose some weight anyways. This past Tuesday the engine in my car blew with no warning. It dropped a valve and broke a piston. Obviously I have to get to work, and so I had to spend everything I could from checking, savings, and even my credit cards, not to mention my cash to get transportation and to get my car fixed as well. Now I have 9 dollars in savings, 4 dollars in checking, and 7 dollars cash. I could probably scrape up 10 or 15 dollars in change around the house, but that's all I have to do me until the 28th. That sucks. I even had to call and make arrangements to put my house payment off by 2 weeks, so next pay check is pretty much spent too.

I am still going to be able to go to Ohayocon, but I am not going to have much in the way of spending money. I will be working at the Media Blasters booth while there, and I will have the money for food and of course my share of the room, but I am not going to be able to get more anime, figurines, and art like the plan was. Sometimes life knocks you down and keeps on kicking you. All this crap happened after me having to replace the alternator on my car last week and call someone out to fix the plumbing due to a sewer line messing up. I also had a cold and a sinus infection. Crap happens, but I seem to get a large share of it.
03 May 2008 @ 01:32 am
Yes, allergies suck. They really suck. I love the weather (except for the tornadoes and such) but I hate allergies, and I happen to live in a place where I am allergic to nearly all the tree, grass and weed pollen there is, so I have to take meds that make me feel stoned out of my mind. Ohh well, it happens.
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
Current Music: Drowning Pool - Bodies